grief · M.

Due date

Today I woke up to an email congratulating me on making it to 40 weeks from Babies R Us. I though I managed to unsubscribe from everything but clearly this one slipped by.

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What a kick in the face. I’ve been waiting to get to this day, knowing it would be the hardest. Maybe it’s not harder than any other day because I still can’t believe any of it is true. It’s been 7 weeks since the hardest, saddest week of my life.  The week that felt the longest and yet the shortest. I can’t even give a timeline correctly without asking Matt to confirm.  It was just so sudden.

Part of me feels like it wasn’t even real. Like I’m still pregnant and it was just a dream. Or I wasn’t pregnant to begin with so this didn’t really happen.

I just can’t believe this happened to us and we aren’t parents right now. We don’t have a baby in a crib next to the bed. Our plans for the summer aren’t figuring out where we should bring her but what we can do to distract ourselves.

Matt has scheduled us with a grief counselor today. She specializes in child loss. I don’t think we’re grieving badly. We’re up, we get dressed, we see friends and family, I even started working from home yesterday. But we’re not the same anymore. I guess we need help adjusting to our new normal.

 

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