One of my best friends texted me in response to my review of therapy,
“On a path in the right direction with some hills, pot holes and turns is better than jumping off the cliff.“
I hope that’s true. I don’t think we’d have ended up off a cliff, but I also am confident that we don’t have the skill set to get through this without taking some major hits. So therapy it is. Our first session went really well. Also very hard. I was very anxious driving over. I wasn’t sure how it would go, would we have to go over everything that happened to us, would I hate the counselor, what if I start crying and can’t stop. While we waited for her to come into the room, I felt myself getting upset and tears started to form. When Matt asked me what was wrong, I could only say that I hated that we had to be there.
The hour went very quickly and without a breakdown (just a few tears). She got our background information and general overview of what happened to Nora and gave us an idea of what our future could look like, things to watch for and some suggestions for how to manage ‘well meaning’ people who could trigger reactions.
Which I need to really work on. Last night I was at an event and a women recognized my name and asked if knew x. X was Nora’s nurse. Apparently x cared for her son as well. My hands started shaking and I just worked on not crying. It just hits so hard. I fear the first person that asks if I have any children.
Our counselor also made a point to talk about what Matt could expect. So much of what I’ve seen online has been mother focused, its great to know that Matt is going to be taken care of as well. She said that often the husband spends so much time making sure the wife is doing ok and supported that as she gets in a better space, the grief hits the husband harder because they have more free head space. Matt supports me so much, I want to make sure that I’m doing the same for him.
She also encouraged me to continue to journal and track from 1-10 how each day is going. Which I actually haven’t done yet. So first assignment a failure. I’ll make sure I’ll do it tonight. We’re going to go weekly. I don’t expect it to be an easy process and I’m sure many tears will flow, but I’m glad we have somewhere we can talk about Nora and how we feel honestly without trying to keep it together. I hope to be a little less stressed for our next appointment.