grief · Mini M.

A good day for a good day?

When we were in the hospital, we had a day where we thought everything was ok. Our time in the hospital feels like we were there weeks, and at the same time a blink of the eye. But on day 2, I had this sense of that we can do this. We were going to get through it. Nora’s blood tests were coming out well and it seemed that the medicine was going to make a difference.

To this day, I don’t know if I was delusional from lack of sleep and heightened emotions or if she really was having a good day. I introduced Nora to the world via facebook and said that ‘today was a good day for a good day’. And for a couple hours it really was. I remember talking to my dad and Terri in Florida about all the things that we were going to do and how we needed to do something nice for the nurses for being so kind. I now wonder what planet I was on. Things started to go really wrong that night, or maybe they were the whole time? Matt was taking the first shift so I could pump and sleep and he texted me that I should come back and those are the moments that keep popping up in my head. The doctor started our descent back to reality by asking us our feelings on resuscitation. I had recently read an article from a doctor friend that discussed how cruel resuscitation could be and the amount of pain it could prolong. How could we do that to her?

I keep thinking about that. A good day for a good day. This past Tuesday by all accounts should have been a good day. Matt got a promotion, my grandmother’s house officially was sold, and a friend’s husband was offered the job that he wanted. I went to an event that evening with a friend, and I was telling her about all the good things that happened, and how we should get lottery tickets.

But something was missing. When I got to bed that night, all I could think of was that no matter how good of a day it was, its not that good of a day because we don’t have Nora. With too much wine and champagne in me, I couldn’t hold back the sobs. I haven’t cried like that in a while. I felt it building all week and tears would fall, but this was the heaving, chest hurting sobs that you can’t stop. A good day for a good day. I don’t know how we’ll ever have a real good day again. Will everything be seen from this view now?

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