Day by Day · Uncategorized

Get it together.

My very good friend was induced this morning. We went through our pregnancy 4 weeks apart, sharing the weird symptoms and checking in on each other throughout. She’s continued to be a support though I’m sure seeing the worst case scenario play out couldn’t have been easy for her.

I woke up this morning with her on my mind and sent a text to check in on her. I tried to be the same person I was before, but I couldn’t. I had to ask to be taken off the group text with the updates and excited chatter.

I don’t want to detract from her excitement, but I can’t do it. I’m anxious for her and sad for us. I know how quickly things can turn, and my worry is overwhelming. I’m also sad and jealous that we didn’t have a normal delivery and weren’t able to be excited and happy.

I’ve been crying all morning. Sometimes without even knowing it. I know it doesn’t make a difference if she has a boy or girl, because with every milestone they cross, we won’t, but I can’t help hoping they have a boy. Just to make the similarities and what we’re missing out on less obvious. I know I’m going to have to get my shit together. I can’t avoid them and I don’t want to be a person who can’t be apart of joyous occasions. Just today isn’t the day I guess.

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4 thoughts on “Get it together.

  1. It took me and my wife almost 2 years before we could attend our niece’s birthday party (she as born a month and a half before we lost our twins). A few years later and, being totally honest, I’ve never grown close to my niece. I wish I could be bigger than that.

    I’m sorry for your loss. I commend your bravery and openness in sharing your experience online. Reading other people’s stories makes me feel a little less alone in my grief.

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    1. I’m so sorry for your loss as well. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to separate it. They ended up having a boy, which relieved me though won’t stop the comparisons.

      The biggest shock to me throughout these few months is how alone we aren’t. We’re in a big shitty club, which scares me a little more. It’d be easier if we knew something like this could never ever happen again.

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  2. My wife went into labor at 22 weeks and delivered at 24. They were unable to determine a cause. Was it an incompetent cervix (seems a bit harsh of an adjective), the placental abruption? We’ve been told sometimes it just happens. Certainly has not been comforting, but I have faith that the many doctors we saw over those two weeks would rather be honest than wrong.

    A shitty club indeed. We lost our boys almost 4 years ago. I hadn’t bothered to look for other people who have gone through a similar experience. Lately, I’ve been struggling a bit which lead me to seek out fellow members. I can’t say it is good to see so many, but it is good so many share. I’ve come to not mention the boys as it’s usually met with an awkward silence or quick pivot in subject. I can’t blame people. For me it’s normal, I think about them daily. For others, I can see warning lights flashing behind their eyes to divert course from a potentially emotionally intimate conversation.

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    1. Have you thought about counseling? Our counselor mentioned that often the father has delayed grief because they are being supportive of their partners grief, so that when the partner starts to be more functioning ( I can’t think of the right word) their grief becomes more apparent.

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