grief

Dear Dresser,

Last week in therapy M. and I were give a take-home exercise. Write a letter to an inanimate object that you see that reminds you of Nora. I kept thinking about what I should pick, because almost everything reminds me of her. Whether its her urn in our bedroom, memory box on our dresser, necklace I wear daily, or the plants I got because I figured I’d end up having time to water them. (spoiler, I have the time but not the memory to do it).

I ended up with her dresser. The dresser was Matt’s mom’s originally. It’s hardwood and a little creaky. I ordered chalk paint in a coral after months of googling to find the right color, and Matt ordered the handles and bottom wheels, after I showed him 15 pictures on pinterest of what I wanted.  Then everything sat in her room.

Dear Dresser-

You are one of the pieces of Nora’s nursery that we’ve kept.  We had you and all of the painting supplies ready to go for our last month of pregnancy and all the nesting I expected to be frantic to do.  When we went for our 32 week sonogram and realized that something was wrong, I refused to think it meant Nora wouldn’t make it. It just meant we had less time than we thought. We knew we were in good hands. We were lucky it was caught in time. We went home, laid in our bedroom in the dark and cried. Then we stood  up and started organizing the nursery.

Matt moved everything out of the way and I started painting. The color was just what we wanted. I can’t see coral and navy without thinking of Nora. Sometimes it makes me happy I have a new reason to think of her but mostly it makes my heart hurt. Saturday morning we got up and got a new rug for her room and Matt picked out the paper for the drawer linings. We finished the second coat, added the handles and Matt cut the linings. We rubbed the wax on it and with less time than anticipated, it came out perfect.

As we waited on Monday, I went through all our shower gifts and pulled out the 0-3 month clothes and folded them up, organizing them in your drawers. I didn’t know when Nora would be here for them, but I wanted them to ready to go. Now they just sit in there. All of the rest of her gifts and clothes are in storage, but you still stand with your top two drawers full.

Maybe the dresser is an analogy of us. Three drawers but only two full. Matt and I and our empty arms. Maybe it highlights how well Matt and I work together. Every step of the way he’s been there for us. I don’t know.

I hope that we use you one day for Nora’s sister or brother. Perhaps we’ll do something extra to you to make it special for them as well. Until then, you’ll sit. 2/3 full or 1/3 empty like how my heart feels. Just one-third empty.

xx

 

 

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