grief

Complaints, I have a few.

So I’ve noticed over the past month or so, I am losing TONS of hair. To the point where I’m leaving a trail behind me wherever I go. Can’t find me? Follow the hair. I’ve joked to M. that he might have a bald wife soon. I think he’s more concerned about the shower drain.

But to complain about it seems petty. Like after all of this, is losing hair that big a deal? Articles and blogs talk about the new mom body and how one needs to accept it and show it off. But what about the new grieving mom that doesn’t have her baby? The hormone changes are still there. My body shape has shifted, I don’t fit in my clothes, my hair is falling out, and my hormones are bouncing but I feel like I can’t really talk about it because to do so highlights my loss. I’m not proud of my body. I can’t help feel that its failed me and then to have the after effects is just a kick in the face.

I signed up for mom and baby workout groups when I was pregnant. I planned on being that mom in the park with her stroller walking off the pounds. I unfollowed them all, but I still see the mom groups in the park, stretching and socializing. I’m so jealous of them. I don’t know them or their path to parenthood, but I can’t help think,  it should be me there.

I have started exercising again, which I’m happy about. Mostly because I really need to get back into my clothes by the fall. One of my best friends has become an accountabila-buddy who meets me at the crack of dawn for our small group interval training. It’s intense and keeps me from being able to think about life. I’m just trying to survive the class, but when I can’t do an exercise or keep up with the group, I want to explain, it’s not that I’ve been lazy, I’ve been pregnant and couldn’t work out. It would be a lot easier to say if I didn’t have to follow it with any questions about the baby I don’t have at home.

Tomorrow I’m going to a beginners yoga class. I did some prenatal yoga when I was pregnant and found it a bit meh. But moving forward, I’m hoping to like it more and be one of those people who find peace through it. I just hope it doesn’t end up being 90 minutes of me in my head thinking about Nora and the loss we feel. So we’ll see. I’m meeting another loss mom (is there a better term for it?) so that will push me to go.

I know I shouldn’t worry about complaining. How I feel is valid, and just because I’m sweating the small stuff, doesn’t mean the big stuff isn’t staring me in the face every day. Perhaps that’s something hospitals and grief groups should organize. I feel like there is a pun there waiting to happen. Losing after Loss?  They say exercise is beneficial to fighting depression, so maybe it would help grieving parents to be with people in the same rocky boat. I’m going to mull it over, but I might suggest it to our counselor to hear her thoughts.

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