Day by Day · grief · Mini M.

Dreams

I had a dream on Friday night that I was giving birth. In the dream I knew it was our second child and that it was going to be a girl. I had a c-section again but this time I wasn’t quietly crying during it. She came out perfectly healthy.  I kept exclaiming how healthy and perfect she was. And how she looked like Nora.

In the dream M and I couldn’t figure out what her name should be. At one point I said we should name her Regan, in honor of Nora. So it wasn’t like Nora didn’t exist but even dream Me thought about how this should have been what happened with Nora. Being able to hold her right away and be excited and happy. Being so happy.

I woke up at one point and fell asleep back in the dream. That usually only happens in nightmares for me. I just didn’t want to wake up from it. Everything felt like it was the way it was supposed to be. How it should have gone. I laid in bed for an hour that morning reliving the dream with my eyes closed, refusing to be fully awake

It’s hard not to get stuck on an alternative reality. What if everything went right? Where would we be now?

We bought a new car in January, it was going to be my car and the family weekend car. Someone moved in on our street with the same exact color and model. Often it’s parked in front of our house. I know it’s not our car because it has a car seat in the back with a ‘baby on board’ sign. We have that sign packed away. M’s brother got it for us for Christmas.

This car could be mine. It could have been our life. I don’t know if my dream was meant to show me what we missed out on or what we could still have. I have to hope for the latter.

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