Day by Day · grief

Hitting a wall

I’ve tried a few posts recently, and they all can be summarized as it’s not fair. And even with this being my outlet, I’m even tired of harping on how unfair it is.  I was looking at the pictures we have of Nora for our blood drive this weekend, and it’s not fair I only have a handful to work with. I’ve put off rsvp-ing to a friend’s son’s first birthday party, because it’s unfair Nora won’t have one.

I’ve just been filling hours. We kept our summer open because we didn’t want to overextend ourselves with a new baby. Then we didn’t have a new baby to overextend ourselves with. We just have weekends to fill, and it’s not fair. Even when we do something that we enjoy, its a second choice to what we want to be doing. What we should be doing. And it’s not fair.

Our blood drive and raffle are doing really well. All our spots are filled and our tickets are selling. As much as I appreciate all the support we’ve received (and we have received a lot, I truly am appreciative) it’s not fair that this is how we’re spending our weekend. We should be thinking of a day trip to take Nora on and deciding what of the hundreds of things belong in the diaper bag that still has its tags on.

I’ve just signed up for a 30 day writing through grief course. It comes with daily prompts, so I’m hoping I can push past on looking at everything as how unfair everything is. But what’s the next step? It is always going to be shitty and unfair. Everything doesn’t happen for a reason.  I think this post verbalizes it better than I ever could.  Everything happens for a reason. That this was something that had to happen in order for her to grow. That’s the kind of bullshit that destroys lives. And it is categorically untrue.” I want to do something in honor of Nora and be a better person because of her. But I could have figured it out with her. I don’t know why I had to lose her.

“Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.” 

 

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