Writing for Grief

I don’t know what to do with my hands…

At four and a half months most moms would be looking for a break. Just a five minute break so they could shower, or take a nap, or remember who they were before they became a mom. Here, all I have are breaks. My hands are empty, I have no one to hold. No one to stay up all night with. No one to juggle my tasks for.

At the hospital I was scared to say out loud how much I wanted to hold her. I think deep down I knew if I held her it meant the doctors had given up and it would be my last and only time.

I keep drawing her initial on my wrist, below my empty hands. Tomorrow I’m getting it tattood on. My hands are still empty, and no matter all the busy work I do, they can’t be filled.

2 thoughts on “I don’t know what to do with my hands…

  1. is it ok that i’m commenting on these old posts? maybe not. but i want you to know that i find this so, so helpful. i know these posts are almost two years old, and i’m sure that i’ll keep reading your journey and find you, hopefully, in a much brighter spot (i hope to be in a much brighter spot, as soon as humanly possible). but i didn’t get to hold my sweet boy until he was dying in my arms, so reading someone else saying the same thing that i experienced, however long ago, is incredibly reassuring (how can any of us be reassured by the fact that we lost our children???)… it doesn’t make sense. nothing right now makes sense. it could also be that i feel a weird closeness to what i’m reading because i’m also a marylander, and my boy was in the hopkins nicu. either way, thank you for sharing your journey.

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  2. It’s so very ok. I read so many blogs following losing Nora. I still do. It’s nice to know my ramblings might help someone else.

    Do you write at all? I started in a paper journal just to get some of the thoughts out of my head.

    I’m so so sorry for the loss of your son. There are no words to adequately say that fully. And none of it makes sense. I don’t think it ever really does. But it eventually feels less overwhelming all the time.

    Feel free to reach out to me if you want to talk more.

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