Day by Day · grief

Rainy days always bring me down

It’s raining in Baltimore. It’s dark and cloudy and even happy people are feeling under the weather. When we were in the hospital, it was the end of April. It was rainy and cloudy and it stayed that way for weeks. It’s almost like the city was crying with us.

When Nora was having tests done, we would stand by large windows and just watch the drizzle. My new office has similarity large windows. When I would look past my computer monitor today it felt very similar.

Tomorrow will be five months since we lost Nora. It seems unbelievable. How could five months have gone by so fast, yet it seems like this happened years ago and we’ve just been sad forever. I’m feeling pretty down. Tomorrow we’re bringing dinner to close friends of ours who just had their son. A neighbor invited me over to see her daughter. There’s only so much effort I can give and I have to triage who gets it.

I told my neighbor I wasn’t up for it. I understand that her invitation came from a good place but we are friendly, not friends. You’ve done nothing to support us, I have no energy to pretend I’m ok for you. I save that for the people that saved us.

It’s weird how the end of the month gets me every time. I’ve been so busy with the new job that the days just blurred. Maybe I’m looking for a reason to explain the new waves of grief, but it always come back to the 27-30th. The hardest days of every month.

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