I just emailed Matt in a panic, asking if Nora cried after they took her out of me and started working on her. I knew that she did but then as confidently as I knew it, I didn’t. It was the only time we heard her cry, how could I doubt my memory.
In reality, how can I trust any of my memories, I was in shock and then panic, hope, grief and unimaginable pain. All without sleep. I wouldn’t trust my testimony in a court. The panic of losing any of the few moments we have is too much for me. She cried once. I saw her open her eyes twice, M. a third time. We got to hold her hand and count her fingers and toes. And we each held her for the first and last time. This is all we have.