I have always loved Halloween. Being close to my birthday it meant a full month of fun. There’s not a lot of pressure around Halloween, no gifts to buy, no family events to split your time at. Just creativity, fun, and candy.
We have a big front window that I decorate for Halloween/Fall to Winter to Spring/Summer. Our spring window is still up. I think it will stay up. I just have no motivation to bring up the decorations and swap it out. One year I decorated it for Fall the last weekend in August because I was going to be busy the first couple weeks of September and better too early than too late.
But if you didn’t know me, you wouldn’t know that the window changes with the seasons. The window still looks so cheerful. But it’s a cheerful face to a haunted house. Perhaps our house is now the scariest house on the street. Our house is where our lost dreams linger. Where Nora’s supplies are stacked in the basement unused. Where all I can think about is about what we should be doing opposed to what we are doing. Our house is the house of your worst fears when pregnant coming true. The what ifs.
We are like our window. I’m at work. I’ve decorated a co-worker’s cube. I’m even wearing Minnie Mouse ears. But if you knew me, you’d know that to do these things wasn’t a challenge before. It wasn’t forcing myself to go to the store last night. I would have done it happily and enjoyed it. Now it’s just another act. A cheerful face to a haunted spirit.
I love giving out candy and seeing all the costumes. This year, I’m leaving a bucket on the front step. I have a feeling we’ll have a few lucky first kids then the rest are going to be disappointed. I don’t care. Seeing a baby in a costume would break me. We lost Nora six months ago. We should have a six-month baby right now. We should be in a family costume (including the pets). We should be living our life rather than a shadow of it.
I don’t even know what a six-month-old does. I never got to the final chapters of the “what to expect when you’re expecting” let alone to the chapters about bringing a baby home and what milestone we’d be at. I have a rough idea from years of babysitting and back to a child development class in college but I don’t want to have all the details of what we’re missing.
We are just missing so much.