Day by Day · grief · pregnancy

Support-ish

After we lost Nora I joined numerous Facebook support groups, found the closest Reddit boards, and read blogs to see what we need to do to move forward. From them I realized we joined a shitty club made up of some of the kindest people.

I didn’t meet or read about anyone with the same situation as us. Our symptoms different, outcomes the same. But hope was shown. I read about women who had multiple losses before bringing home their baby. Families who lived in the NICU but brought home their rainbow baby. Women who miscarried, suffered a stillbirth, or lost their children after early labor yet continued on.

Now I am 7 weeks pregnant and from all of those stories of hope, I just see the losses. All the losses. Nora’s situation was insane. It was a combination of issues that to happen again would be one in a trillion. (Note, I haven’t taken math since high school so that maths not good, BUT the doctors agree it would be almost unheard of to happen again.) We went to the geneticists and did panels of our blood and Nora’s with positive results. But that doesn’t protect us for everything else. AND THERE IS SO MUCH ELSE.

I lay in bed each night, chanting in my mind ‘just stick and be healthy’. Over and over again. But I did the same in the hospital with ‘please don’t die’ and it didn’t work then. So now what? We meet with the geneticist in a few weeks and then have our 12 week ultrasound. Just keep sticking until then. I think the universe couldn’t be so cruel to do this to us again. But as we learned we’re not special or exempt from shitty situations.

We debated telling our parents. What’s better? To give them something to hold on to and be hopeful about or leave them in the dark? We eventually decided to tell them because if it doesn’t stick, we’d end up telling them anyway, so the disappointment would be there regardless. They were all so happy. I don’t know if they aren’t looking at the possibility of the half empty cup, religion is giving them more strength, or they just don’t want to encourage our cautious mentality, but I also don’t know if I can manage their positivity. We don’t need to learn lessons, or be told to pray. We just need to get through these weeks and hopefully months and come home with a baby.

It probably didn’t help that we stayed home for Christmas. I didn’t feel like celebrating and M. agreed. It was just too much with travel and pretending we were ok. But now I think we’re on this watch list for becoming hermits. I’m ok with being a hermit for a while. We’re still seeing our counselor and we’re honest with her, so I feel like if we venture into dangerous territory she’ll let us know.

So that’s the update. We’re cautiously optimistic, we survived the holidays, and we’re going to hermit for a while.

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