Dot · pregnancy

Halfway-ish

Sunday we hit our 20-week mark. Since I’m having a c-section, that puts us a little over half way there and it shows. I am clearly pregnant and no longer just looking plumper than usual.  I told my supervisor last week and she couldn’t have been nicer. She shared with me that she had a miscarriage and though didn’t compare the two, said that she can imagine the uncertainty and anxiety that I must feel.

I hadn’t told my new job about Nora, so that left a giant elephant in the room. I read that you should share your story with those who deserved to hear it. If I wasn’t telling them about Nora, does it really mean I don’t trust them with my experiences? I don’t know if trust is there exactly but I felt it was important to my mental well-being to share in advance. It would cut down on some of the innocent questions that would send me spiraling. So I decided to send an email out and delay it, so it would be received after I left work for the day.

Hello-

I’m excited to let you all know that M. and I are expecting a baby girl the first week in August. This is especially happy (and stressful) time for us after losing our daughter Nora last April due to complications from neuroblastoma shortly after birth.dot

We are looking forward to her arrival and appreciate your support!

Thanks,

Steph

Clearly I did something wrong because it didn’t go out that night but waited until I powered on my computer the following morning. Imagining these conversations have kept me up at night for weeks. I would just replay what I would say. I didn’t even go into what responses would be. Just the most succinct way to tell my story and explain that I won’t be their typical pregnant co-worker.

To my relief, I received nothing but kindness. I was surprised by what people were willing to share. There’s something about experiencing grief that makes you realize the importance of not letting someone feel alone when they are grieving. A path towards empathy rather than avoidance.

Sharing took a large weight off my shoulders in a way and broadened my anxiety at the same time. Now there are all these people that I would have to tell if something went wrong. I feel/felt like with every new person who I tell, I’ve jinxed myself a little more.

I had an ultrasound today. It went well but there was a large gap in time between our technician leaving and the MFM specialist coming in to speak to us, and I could tell M. was getting scared with me. When she finally came in, she told us everything was as it should and neroblastoma is unlikely to occur again and that if it “helped our piece of mind” she would schedule another sonogram in the third trimester.

At our last appointment a different MFM specialist said I would have sonograms every four weeks. I relayed this to her, and I could tell she thought it was unnecessary but we had a sonogram in our third trimester with Nora. It was too late. I mean, I don’t know if things would have been different if we found out sooner, and I don’t think I can cope with an actual answer to that question. So no, a third trimester sonogram won’t give me peace of mind. I’d go weekly if they let me. So we will stick with every four weeks. I don’t care if they think I’m being unreasonable. 19 weeks to go.

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