Day by Day · grief

Feeling low

Yesterday I took a mental health day. It started on Monday with a headache. I went home early, took a nap, woke up at 9:30 and then just went back to bed. I couldn’t get the energy to go to work on Tuesday. Maybe I could have swung it, if I were working from home but I didn’t have the capacity to imagine holding a conversation or acting like a normal person. I’m not sure if it’s technically “mentally healthy” to spend the majority of the day in bed watching crap tv trying not to cry, but so be it.

I’m just so damn sad.

I spent a lot of time over the past two weeks preparing for my best friend’s baby shower. I knew it would be a hard day so I wanted to be as organized as possible. The event was lovely. It kept me busy enough so that it only popped into my head a few times during that this was us last year. The excitement, the happiness, the generosity. It was us.

My best friend is 33 weeks along. We kept saying she seven weeks to go. Plenty of time to unpack, finish the nursery and get those last minute things done. But we had and lost Nora at 33 weeks. I didn’t have those seven weeks. I just hope she wasn’t thinking the same thing. I hate that our life can take joy away from other’s. That’s what kept me up Saturday night. It’s still unbelievable to me that this is our life.

No one expected me to help out. Everyone has been so understanding, I think if I skipped it all together, no one would be hurt. But I kept thinking of my best friend’s Aunt. She passed away two years ago and was the best person. She wanted children but it didn’t happen for them. I don’t know the full story but I’m sure she went through a lot of sorrow in the process. Instead she treated nieces as daughters,  adopted the children of her friends, and even their friends (which is how I was lucky enough to met her).

She took us to plays in New York city, visited us in England, showed us the sights of London and always celebrated all of our accomplishments. She gave me the most beautiful necklace during my wedding reception just because she thought it looked pretty with my dress. I treasure it now.

She planned my best friend’s wedding shower and would have been over the moon to plan her baby shower. I feel like crying just thinking what she missed. I wanted her shower to be as if Aunt V. was there. So that’s what got me through it. I thought of that strong woman who suffered more than anyone should, who smiled and laughed through it and made us all better people. That’s what she would have done.

So that worked for the weekend, but as I continued to plan what we would do for Nora’s birthday, I became a balloon deflating. The happiness of seeing my friends and family and pretending we’re fine couldn’t sustain itself. Its going to be a very hard month.


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