The 27th marked a year since Nora came into this world, the 30th marked a year since we lost her. It’s absolutely bizarre to me that it’s been a year. It feels like this just happened, yet didn’t really happen at all. There’s no way we had a baby and don’t anymore.
To think that we are now the people that have the baggage that others fear is just mind-boggling. Sometimes I sit in my car and I can’t wrap my head around the fact that this is our life. And this will always be our life. No matter how adjusted we get, or how many children we have, we have a piece of our hearts missing. We know that everything doesn’t always work out. And have to live with that forever.
I eventually want to write out our three days with Nora. The memories pop up all the time, and it might help to get them out on paper, but I’m not ready for that yet.
Honoring and remembering Nora was obviously something on our minds for a while. I wanted to include people but at the same time, didn’t want to face or deal with anyone else. It’s selfish of me. I hold on to Matt and our pets and keep them close and by doing so, keep others out and them from others. I think next year we’re moving the blood drive to the weekend before or after Nora’s birthday. I hope to be in a better place to be around people.
On her birthday, I didn’t want to think about how she’s gone but how much we love her. I wanted to make sure we did something outside (to force me out of bed) and something that made us smile. We ended up taking the dogs to the state park beach and let them run around like lunatics. I traced Nora’s “E” in the sand and thought about how much she was missed.
We tried to light a biodegradable lantern to release but it was a bust. I don’t know if it was the wind or just what happens when you buy things online from shady websites. I had some anxiety the lantern would float into trees instead of over the ocean ( I brought a fire extinguisher) so maybe it was best it didn’t light.
Matt and I ordered little cardboard boxes, pink mercury votive holders and candles. We tried to give them to all our family and friends that we would see prior to her birthday. My friend designed a card for us with a poem we found online. We tied the boxes with coral ribbons and I tried not to think about how I would have been planning a first birthday party if our lives went a different path.
Throughout the day, we received texts from our loved ones telling us that they were thinking of us and showing us their candles lit. We also received some beautiful flowers and thoughtful calls. I’m touched by how many people reached out to us. It wasn’t an easy day, and every time I checked my phone I felt a mixture of sadness and love. I wish I was able to get the candles to more of our friends, but I didn’t have the energy to mail them all out or meet up with everyone.
The 28th and 29th were low days but uneventful. We did some work in the backyard to prepare for the warmer weather and I was just happy to see the sun. Some friends came over on the 29th and we played card games outside.
Last year, it rained for weeks. Gray cloudy days like today remind me of being in the hospital and looking out the window during the times we had to move to the hallway for Nora to have her tests done.
The 30th was the worst. M and I were short with each other, neither of us were slept well and the sadness was just encompassing every breathe I took. I was/am just so sad and angry. Later in the morning we shifted focus a little and apologized for the shortness, and spent the rest of the day together on the sofa, surrounded by the pets, watching tv I don’t remember.
I didn’t expect to be able to survive this. I still don’t know how we have. I miss her everyday.