grief

Room for grief

Matt and I finally finished the fifth season of The Wire. I had already watched it before I met Matt but we started the series again together and took a break after season 4. While we were watching the last episodes, one of the characters said:

“Ain’t no shame in holding on to grief as long as you make room for other things too.”- Bubbles

As I was thinking how much that applied to our life, and Matt paused the episode and repeated it. We have so much grief, but we are making room too. Dot is starting to take a lot more of my energy. I don’t think I’ve really thought or believed we might actually be bringing her home.

I was so focused on getting my blood work back, I missed the dreaded 27-30th of the month. I feel terrible that I didn’t think of the importance of the dates. Maybe its a coping mechanism. If I spent those three days thinking of our loss on top of the fear of my blood work, I might not have been able to get out of bed.

My best friend had her baby. I can’t remember if I’ve already said that. We got to meet her and have been texting a lot. I think the quote is so applicable around this. I’m making room for her and trying not to focus on the firsts that she’s doing that we didn’t get to. I grieve looking at the pictures we didn’t get to take, the champagne we didn’t toast, the celebrations we didn’t do. I also grieve the missed late feedings and figuring out breast feeding.  I grieve that I won’t be the same mom to Dot that I would have (or thought I would have) been for Nora.

But I love my friends and their baby. They would understand if I pulled back and to a degree I have, but I don’t want to miss out on these moments either. So I’m going to make as much room as possible.

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