Day by Day · grief

Called out

So I’ve mentioned before that we cancel plans now. If it doesn’t feel like I’m in a good head space or feeling up to it, I cancel. I try to do it with enough warning but sometimes it’s day of. No one is safe from it.

I have a friend who I used to work with who I meet up with every month. Before we end our dinner, she has her agenda out to plan our next encounter. It’s a bit overwhelming but she’s my type A friend who has been very good us, especially after losing Nora. We received cards from her for holidays and just thinking of you cards.

This month I’ve cancelled three times. The first because I just overbooked. The second because I didn’t feel well and the third because Matt’s parents are visiting this Friday and yesterday we just found out their dog had aggressive cancer that he had weeks to live and I felt bad leaving them and Matt. We are all crazy pet people, fyi. Prior to finding out about Blue, I wasn’t going to change my plans but this felt extenuating.

I got an email today that she didn’t want to reschedule, she’s trying to be a benevolent friend but that I hurt her feelings. Part of me feels horrible. I don’t want to be a shitty friend. I truly don’t. I guess I don’t get a pass any longer.

The other part of me wants to rage. I don’t need ‘benevolent’ friends. I don’t want friends who are tolerating me to be the better, more charitable person. I’m not a pity project. If I got an email that just said I’m tired of making plans that you cancel, I would have taken it better to be honest. Now I’m just this mixed up ball of anger and guilt.

She mentioned talking rather than texting. And maybe that will help. But I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to have to explain my anxiety, fears and exhaustion. I don’t want to have to justify why I’m cancelling things. I want my pass back. I also don’t want to say something I’ll regret. Because in the grand scheme, what’s going to be said? I’ll apologize for cancelling, and do my best not to tell her she’s overreacting and now I don’t want to make further plans.

I don’t know if my other friends are starting to feel the same way. I don’t know if this email is really a mountain or a molehill. I do know that I don’t have the energy to actively do anything to fix it.

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