Day by Day · pregnancy

Overwhelmed? Over it?

I am almost 37 weeks pregnant, its a code red heat advisory and our AC has gone out three times in the past week. I am just over it. Last Friday during our NST they were concerned by some of Dot’s decelerations so we had to go to labor and delivery for extended monitoring. Then they told me I was having steady contractions and if they didn’t stop, we’d meet Dot that day. They obviously did, otherwise I’d be writing a very different post today.

I was weirdly calm about it. If it meant I had a healthy baby earlier, we could deal with the rest of the variables. M. was extremely worried and you can see it that he’s just carrying so much stress. It takes only a second to bring either of us back to last April. Just waiting for bad news.

But we stick with the only “one of us can be insane at a time” guideline. I think its now officially my time. Our basement is still in our living room, because every project we’ve taken on has taken three times as long. Paint sprayers are useless, I can’t do anything upstairs because its just too hot and there was a fucking cockroach in the kitchen.

Now is definitely a good time to push back on the boundaries we set about visiting after Dot arrives. Cue rage texting.

Today in my meeting I was asked if this is my first, and I said yes. I instantly regretted it. Now I just sit here with a pit of guilt. Looking like a crazy person who wasn’t excited about any of her baby questions.

I think about Nora and being pregnant with Nora all the time. We went to breakfast before our NST at a place that I grabbed lunch after a regular checkup with Nora. I can’t help but link all of my activities to what I did last time.

My anxiety over the c-section is starting to come into play as well. Last time it happened so fast I didn’t have to think about it and the aftermath was a blur so I can’t compare what the recovery will be like. I just want to wake up and have my baby. And not be sad that the baby isn’t Nora. Just be normal.


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