Day by Day · Dot


I thought I had been doing ok. Then I realized I made a mistake with Everly’s health insurance. I fucked up and didn’t do the research I needed to do. I wasn’t able to do the research. I was too busy keeping my head in the sand and not thinking about what happens after August 8th if we actually got to bring her home.

I was told I could enroll her by the 31st not to lose coverage. Which was true. But that’s for 2018 coverage. So she’s without insurance. I’ve spent the past three weeks on the phone with the ACA trying to get her covered where she can keep her doctor. Now I don’t care and just want some coverage but we’re caught in this red tape nightmare. We have to pay thousands out of pocket already and I’m terrified she’s going to get sick.

I have this sense of dread that I haven’t felt since we found out about Nora’s tumor. Every time I call they say it’s under control and every time I find out it’s not.

I’m trying to practice good self-care. I’ve gained weight since I started back in the office and I don’t want to add being miserable about my body on top of being miserable about the holidays. I’ve started tracking calories and went to the gym twice this week. I’ve set up a friend to watch Evie, so Matt can go with me tomorrow. I’m already tired thinking about going.

We hosted Thanksgiving. It went reasonably well. We were asked if we were ready for number two. You’re looking at number two right now. What the everloving fuck. How clueless do you have to be? Let’s say we didn’t lose Nora, but regardless I had a major surgery less than 4 months ago. No, I’m not ready to do it again.

I ordered stockings for Everly and Nora. We adopted a baby to buy holiday gifts for. I’m going to put the tag in Nora’s stocking if I end up hanging them. Last year we didn’t decorate. This year I’m pretty confident we will. We just need a really up/high day to do it. It feels exhausting right now.

I just want to go home and hug Evie. I don’t want to think, prep for tomorrow or even come back to work. I wish I could have more days to this upcoming weekend. I just need a break.

Since this is a pretty low post, I’m going to end it with the picture that made me laugh today. Because regardless of this mistake and how it sets us back financially, she’s healthy. If we have to go to an urgent care or doctors appointment because she has a fever, that’s ok, because she’s alive. I’d pay anything in the world to have Nora back.
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