Dot · grief

Womp

I had terrible dreams last night. They were not even subliminal but shouting in your face resentment towards people who drive me crazy. They supported us in ways they wanted to be supported but not how we needed/wanted? I know they cared and were heartbroken, but not enough. Bah. I went to bed sad and woke up sad and angry.

We’re traveling for a wedding this weekend. I didn’t realize that the ceremony was in the afternoon, so Evie will need a cute outfit for the day (she’s being watched at night). I had a dress I wanted her to wear but texted it to my friends to see if it was too easter-ish/spring-y. Which I received a resounding yes to. That was like a punch in the stomach. Why was I so upset? She has other clothes. I have time to get her something new if I wanted. Then it clicked.

This dress was bought for Nora. That’s why it’s springy. Because when she would have been hitting three months, it would have been summer. But it’s not. I liked the idea that Evie would have some of Nora’s clothes. That they would be worn just as if Nora was alive, being passed down, sister to sister. We only have a little bit of time that this happens. Once we get to the 6-9 month clothes we only have new.

Most of the clothes won’t be worn. They are too lightweight and/or puffy to add layers to. But this dress is just so damn sweet, I want to make it work. My friend told me to have her wear it anytime I want, who cares. And she’s right. But it makes me so mad. I wouldn’t be mad if Nora got to wear it but Evie didn’t. But now it just remains unworn with tags on.

Evie was super cheerful this morning. She woke me up 2 minutes before my alarm. I appreciate her timeliness.

I put her in a rainbow onesie we were gifted. Because she is my rainbow when I am sad. I am (we are) so very lucky to have her. But we are so very unlucky not to have Nora.

I think it is expected that this holiday season will be easier for us. (Last year we skipped it) And it will be easier. But it won’t be easy.

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