Day by Day · grief

Fetomaternal Microchimerism

I read about fetomaternal microchimerism, where fetal cells migrate into the mother during pregnancy. Per NIH, fetomaternal transfer probably occurs in all pregnancies and in humans the fetal cells can persist for decades. Microchimeric fetal cells are found in various maternal tissues and organs including blood, bone marrow, skin and liver.

Have I talked about that before? I can’t remember.

That’s nice to think about. Nora is stamped on my wrist, holds so much of my heart and is actually within me. We hosted a St. Patrick’s party this past weekend. We used to have one yearly but skipped the past two years. We had a really solid turnout and it was great to see so many of my friends, many who hadn’t met Evie yet.

At the end of the night after too many mimosas, I spoke to a new neighbor. She asked when we were thinking about number two, because she was ready to start trying. And I told her about Nora. I hoped my more gossipy neighbor would have mentioned it in some way before, but no. I don’t remember the whole conversation, but I know I didn’t cry. I don’t know if I just gave her new fears, or she’ll just assume it wouldn’t happen to her.

I woke up guilty on Sunday for not crying. Have I become cold to our loss? Did I seem cold and uncaring? I don’t know. Part of me doesn’t care. Part of me really, really does.

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