grief

A dream.

Last night I had a dream. In it, Evie was sleeping in a crib downstairs and she managed to climb up the steps on her own to go to her bedroom. In her room, there was a bunk bed with a little girl with brown hair on the top bunk. She was scared to get out of the bunk but did when she saw Evie. I don’t remember her face but it was Nora. When Evie hugged her, Evie slowly got older and Nora stayed the same. I remember saying how weird it was that Nora wasn’t getting any older.

It was just such an accurate dream in the sense of no hidden meaning there. Nora should be here, growing older with us. It was sandwiched between a lot of nonsensical dreams that I mostly don’t remember. I woke up happy at first that I had another memory of Nora and then immediately hit with this wave of grief that it’s not a real memory and won’t ever be.

It’s just so hard thinking that we should have two daughters. Nora should have been able to hit all the milestones Evie is and be showing her the way. I feel like I’m walking a really thin line right now. Tears are on the brink pretty consistently.

Evie’s teething so we’re in this see-saw of worrying if she has a bug or not. We are going up to M’s parents this weekend. As good as it is to stay busy, I’m not always the best company and I dread hearing the wrong thing. I wish we could just take the next two weeks off and hide until May.

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